The Friend Who Disappeared
My best friend met him at a party. Within weeks, she was canceling plans, ignoring texts, and defending him when he insulted her in front of us. Within months, she'd stopped hanging out with our friend group entirely.
"He just doesn't like my friends," she explained, as if that were normal. "It's easier if I just see you guys less."
I watched the friend I'd known for 10 years—funny, confident, fiercely independent—shrink into someone I barely recognized. She stopped pursuing the career she loved. She apologized constantly. She made excuses for his controlling behavior, his put-downs, his outbursts.
I wanted to scream: Leave him! You deserve so much better!
But I'd already learned that saying those words would only push her further away.
"When someone you care about is in an unhealthy relationship, your instinct is to rescue them," explains Dr. Andrea Bonior, PhD, clinical psychologist and author of Detox Your Thoughts. "But ultimatums and direct criticism often backfire. The more you push, the more defensive they become—and the more isolated they feel."
So what can you do? How do you support a friend in a bad relationship without losing them—or losing your mind?
First: Is It Actually a Bad Relationship?
Before we go further, let's clarify what we mean by "bad relationship."
Not every relationship you dislike is unhealthy. Sometimes you just don't vibe with your friend's partner, and that's okay. But there's a difference between "I don't love this person for you" and "This relationship is harming you."
Signs of an unhealthy or abusive relationship:
Isolation
- Your friend has pulled away from friends and family
- Their partner discourages or forbids them from seeing loved ones
- They make excuses for why they can't hang out ("He gets upset when I go out without him")
Control
- Their partner controls their money, schedule, phone, or social media
- They need to ask permission to make decisions
- Their partner monitors their location or communications
Emotional Abuse
- Constant criticism, insults, or put-downs (often disguised as "jokes")
- Blaming your friend for the partner's behavior ("You made me so mad I had to yell")
- Gaslighting (denying reality, making them doubt their perceptions)
- Extreme jealousy or possessiveness
Volatility
- Frequent explosive arguments
- Unpredictable mood swings
- Your friend seems like they're walking on eggshells
Physical Abuse
- Any hitting, pushing, grabbing, or physical intimidation
- Destroying property during arguments
- Threatening violence
Erosion of Self
- Your friend has changed dramatically (more anxious, depressed, withdrawn)
- They've given up hobbies, career goals, or important relationships
- They seem to have lost their sense of self
Important: Abuse isn't always obvious. It often escalates gradually. Trust your gut—if something feels off, it probably is.
Why It's So Hard for Them to Leave
If the relationship is so clearly bad, why don't they just leave?
This is the question that tortures well-meaning friends. But leaving an unhealthy relationship is far more complicated than it looks from the outside.
Common reasons people stay:
They don't see it as abusive
Many people in unhealthy relationships don't recognize the behavior as problematic, especially if it's emotionally (rather than physically) abusive.
"Abuse often begins subtly," Dr. Bonior explains. "By the time it escalates, the person has normalized it. They think, 'Every couple fights like this.'"
They believe they can fix it
"If I'm just more understanding, more patient, more supportive, things will get better."
This is especially true if the partner has a trauma history, mental health struggles, or addiction. Your friend may feel responsible for "saving" them.
They're trauma-bonded
Trauma bonding is a powerful psychological phenomenon where intermittent reinforcement (periods of abuse followed by affection) creates an intense attachment.
"It's not about logic," Dr. Bonior notes. "The emotional highs and lows create a chemical dependency similar to addiction."
They're financially dependent
Many people stay because they can't afford to leave. Shared finances, joint leases, or lack of income make leaving logistically difficult.
They're afraid
Leaving an abusive relationship can be dangerous. Abuse often escalates when the victim tries to leave.
They still love them
This is the hardest one to accept. Despite everything, your friend may genuinely love this person and hope things will change.
How to Support Your Friend (Without Pushing Them Away)
1. Don't Issue Ultimatums
"If you don't leave him, I can't be your friend anymore."
This approach virtually guarantees your friend will choose the partner over you—and then they'll have one less person to turn to when they're ready to leave.
"Ultimatums create shame and isolation," Dr. Bonior says. "Your friend needs to know they have support no matter what. That's what keeps the door open."
Instead, try: "I'm worried about you, and I'll always be here for you—no matter what you decide."
2. Express Concern Without Attacking Their Partner
When you criticize their partner, your friend will defend them. It's human nature.
Don't say: "He's a controlling jerk. I don't know what you see in him."
Do say: "I've noticed you seem less like yourself lately. Are you okay?"
Focus on behaviors, not character:
- "I'm concerned that he monitors your phone. How does that feel for you?"
- "I noticed you seem anxious when he calls. Is everything okay?"
Use "I" statements:
- "I feel worried when I see him put you down."
- "I miss spending time with you. Can we find a time to hang out?"
3. Ask Open-Ended Questions
Help your friend reflect on the relationship without telling them what to think.
Good questions:
- "How do you feel when you're with him?"
- "Does this relationship make you feel good about yourself?"
- "What would you tell me if I were in a relationship like this?"
- "Is this how you imagined your relationship would be?"
Listen without judgment. Even if their answers frustrate you, resist the urge to lecture. Your goal is to plant seeds of awareness, not force a decision.
4. Point Out the Changes You've Noticed
Sometimes people don't realize how much they've changed.
"I've noticed you don't paint anymore. You used to love that. Do you miss it?"
"You seem more anxious than you used to be. Have you noticed that too?"
"You used to be so confident. I feel like I don't see that side of you as much anymore."
Frame it with care and curiosity, not blame. You're helping them reconnect with the person they were before the relationship overshadowed them.
5. Stay Connected (Even If It's Hard)
This is the most important—and hardest—thing you can do.
Your friend may cancel plans last-minute. They may not respond to texts for weeks. They may lie or make excuses.
Stay connected anyway.
"Isolation is a key tactic of abusive partners," Dr. Bonior explains. "If you pull away in frustration, you're reinforcing that isolation. Your presence—even from a distance—is a lifeline."
Ways to stay connected:
- Text regularly, even if they don't respond
- Invite them to low-pressure hangouts (coffee, a walk)
- Send memes, articles, or inside jokes—reminders that you're still thinking of them
- Celebrate their wins and acknowledge hard times
6. Offer Specific Help
"Let me know if you need anything" is too vague.
Offer concrete support:
- "I'm free this Saturday. Want to grab brunch?"
- "If you ever need a place to stay, my door is always open."
- "I can help you look into resources if you want. No pressure."
- "I saved this article about financial planning after a breakup. I'll send it in case it's ever useful."
7. Provide Resources (Gently)
Don't bombard them with information, but offer resources they can access if and when they're ready.
Helpful resources:
- National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 (24/7, confidential)
- loveisrespect.org: Resources for young adults in unhealthy relationships
- thehotline.org: Information, live chat, safety planning
- Books: Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft, The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker
How to share: "I came across this and thought of you. No pressure—just wanted you to have it if it's ever helpful."
8. Validate Their Feelings (Even If You Disagree)
If they say, "I love him, and I think we can work through this," resist the urge to argue.
Instead: "I hear that you love him. That must make this really hard."
Validation doesn't mean you agree. It means you acknowledge their reality.
9. Believe Them (When They're Ready to Talk)
If your friend opens up about what's happening, believe them.
Don't minimize, question, or second-guess their experience.
"That sounds really hard." "I believe you." "You didn't deserve that."
10. Be Patient (Even When It's Excruciating)
The average person in an abusive relationship leaves 7 times before leaving for good.
Seven. Times.
This might not be the first time they've tried to leave. It might not be the last. Your job isn't to force them to leave—it's to be there when they're ready.
When You Need to Set Boundaries Too
Supporting a friend in a bad relationship is emotionally exhausting. You're allowed to have limits.
Signs you need boundaries:
- You're losing sleep worrying about them
- You feel resentful or burned out
- Their relationship is dominating your mental space
- You're neglecting your own wellbeing
Boundaries you can set:
- "I love you, but I can't keep having the same conversation about him. I'm here when you're ready to make a change."
- "I need to protect my own mental health. I can't be available 24/7, but I'm here for you during [specific times]."
- "I care about you, but I can't watch you go back to him again. I need some space."
You can love someone and still protect yourself. Setting boundaries doesn't mean abandoning them—it means ensuring you have the capacity to support them in the long run.
If You're Worried About Their Safety
If you believe your friend is in immediate danger, take it seriously.
Warning signs of escalating danger:
- Threats of violence (against your friend or themselves)
- Access to weapons
- Increased frequency or severity of violence
- Partner has isolated them completely
- They seem afraid or in crisis
What to do:
- Encourage them to create a safety plan (pack an emergency bag, save important documents, have a code word with friends)
- Offer a safe place to stay
- Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline for guidance: 1-800-799-7233
- If they're in immediate danger, call 911
Do NOT:
- Confront the abusive partner (this can escalate danger)
- Force your friend to leave (they need agency in their decisions)
- Tell them they "have to" call the police (this can increase risk)
Your Support Action Plan
This week:
- Reach out to your friend—text, call, or invite them to hang out
- Avoid criticizing their partner; focus on your friend's wellbeing
- Ask one open-ended question about how they're feeling
This month:
- Stay consistently connected (even if they don't always respond)
- Offer one specific form of support ("Want to come over for dinner Friday?")
- Share a resource gently (domestic violence hotline, article, book)
Ongoing:
- Remind them you're there no matter what
- Validate their feelings without judgment
- Set boundaries to protect your own mental health
- Be patient—change happens on their timeline, not yours
The Bottom Line
Watching someone you love stay in an unhealthy relationship is heartbreaking. But you can't force them to leave. What you can do is stay present, offer unwavering support, and keep the door open for when they're ready.
"The most powerful thing you can do is be a consistent, non-judgmental presence," Dr. Bonior says. "When they're ready to leave, they'll need to know someone is still there. Be that person."
Your friend is lucky to have you. Don't give up on them. And don't forget to take care of yourself too.
