How to Set Boundaries Without Feeling Guilty About It

The Text That Broke Me

It was 11:47 PM on a Tuesday. I was already in bed, finally relaxing after an exhausting day, when my phone buzzed.

"Hey! Can you cover my shift tomorrow? I know it's last minute but I really need this."

My stomach dropped. I had plans—actual plans I'd been looking forward to. But my fingers were already typing: "Sure, no problem!"

I sent it. Then I lay awake for two hours, furious at myself. Why couldn't I just say no? Why did I feel so guilty for even thinking about saying no?

This pattern had been destroying me for years. Saying yes when I meant no. Over-committing. Canceling my own plans to accommodate others. Feeling resentful, exhausted, and completely steamrolled by my inability to set a single boundary.

"Guilt is one of the biggest obstacles to healthy boundaries," explains Dr. Nedra Glover Tawwab, LCSW, therapist and author of Set Boundaries, Find Peace. "People-pleasers often believe that saying no makes them selfish or unkind. But boundaries aren't selfish—they're essential for your mental health and relationships."

Here's how I learned to set boundaries without drowning in guilt—and how you can too.

Why Setting Boundaries Feels So Hard

If you struggle with boundaries, you're not alone. And it's not a character flaw—there are real reasons it feels so difficult.

You Were Taught That Your Needs Don't Matter

Many of us grew up in environments where expressing needs or saying no was discouraged, dismissed, or punished.

"Children who are praised for being 'easygoing' or 'helpful' often grow into adults who struggle with boundaries," Dr. Tawwab explains. "They internalized the message that their worth is tied to serving others."

Common childhood messages that undermine boundaries:

• "Don't be selfish"
• "Good girls/boys don't complain"
• "You're so easy, not like your difficult sibling"
• "After all I've done for you, you can't do this one thing?"
• "You're being dramatic/too sensitive"

You Confuse Boundaries with Meanness

Boundaries aren't cruel. They're not punishment. They're not about controlling others.

"A boundary is simply communicating your limits," says Dr. Tawwab. "It's saying, 'This is what works for me, and this is what doesn't.' That's not mean—it's honest."

What boundaries ARE:

• Protecting your time, energy, and wellbeing
• Communicating your needs clearly
• Taking responsibility for your own feelings
• Allowing others to take responsibility for theirs

What boundaries are NOT:

• Controlling what others do
• Punishing people
• Being cold or withholding
• Expecting others to read your mind

You're Afraid of Conflict or Rejection

"What if they get mad? What if they don't like me anymore?"

This fear is valid—and it's often overblown.

"Most people fear catastrophic outcomes that rarely happen," Dr. Tawwab notes. "Yes, some people might be disappointed. But healthy people respect boundaries. If someone consistently reacts badly to your boundaries, that tells you something important about the relationship."

You Feel Responsible for Other People's Feelings

Here's a truth that might feel uncomfortable: You are not responsible for managing other people's emotions.

If someone is disappointed because you said no, that's their feeling to process—not your problem to fix.

"This is one of the hardest shifts for people-pleasers," says Dr. Tawwab. "You can care about someone's feelings without being responsible for them. Compassion doesn't require self-abandonment."

How to Set Boundaries (Even When It Feels Impossible)

Step 1: Identify Where You Need Boundaries

You can't set boundaries until you know what you need to protect.

Signs you need a boundary:

• You feel resentful or angry after interactions with certain people
• You're exhausted from over-committing
• You say yes when you want to say no
• You feel taken advantage of
• You avoid certain people because they drain you
• You sacrifice your needs to keep the peace

Reflection questions:

• Who or what consistently drains my energy?
• What am I doing out of obligation rather than genuine desire?
• Where do I feel resentful?
• What would I do differently if I weren't worried about others' reactions?

Step 2: Get Clear on Your Boundary

Vague boundaries don't work. You need clarity.

Weak boundary: "I need to take care of myself more." Strong boundary: "I won't answer work emails after 7 PM or on weekends."

Weak boundary: "I need space sometimes." Strong boundary: "I need one evening per week alone to recharge. Wednesdays work best for me."

Examples of common boundaries:

Time boundaries:

• "I can help you move, but I'm only available from 10 AM to 2 PM."
• "I won't stay at social events past 10 PM on weeknights."

Emotional boundaries:

• "I'm not comfortable discussing my relationship with you."
• "I don't want advice right now—I just need you to listen."

Physical boundaries:

• "Please don't hug me without asking first."
• "I need personal space when I'm working from home."

Financial boundaries:

• "I can't lend money right now."
• "My budget for gifts is $25 per person."

Step 3: Communicate Your Boundary Clearly

You don't need to over-explain, justify, or apologize for your boundaries.

The formula:

1. State the boundary clearly
2. (Optional) Offer a brief reason
3. Stop talking

Examples:

"I can't cover your shift tomorrow. I have plans." (Not: "I'm so sorry, I wish I could, but I have this thing and I feel terrible but I really can't, I hope you understand...")

"I'm not available to talk after 9 PM. Let's catch up this weekend instead."

"I don't discuss politics at family gatherings. Let's change the subject."

"I need 30 minutes to decompress when I get home from work before we talk about our days."

You do NOT need to:

• Justify your boundary with a "good enough" reason
• Apologize for having needs
• Convince the other person your boundary is reasonable
• Negotiate if the boundary is non-negotiable

Step 4: Tolerate the Discomfort

Here's the hard part: Setting boundaries will feel uncomfortable at first. You'll feel guilty. You might feel selfish.

Do it anyway.

"Guilt is not a reliable indicator that you've done something wrong," Dr. Tawwab emphasizes. "For people-pleasers, guilt often just means you've done something unfamiliar—like prioritizing your own needs."

Strategies for managing guilt:

Remind yourself why the boundary exists: "I'm protecting my mental health. That's not selfish."

Notice the guilt without acting on it: "I feel guilty, and that's okay. I'm still keeping this boundary."

Challenge the guilty thoughts:

• Guilty thought: "I'm being selfish."
• Reality check: "Taking care of my needs is not selfish. I can't pour from an empty cup."

Give it time: The more you practice boundaries, the less guilty you'll feel. I promise.

Step 5: Enforce Your Boundary (This Is Key)

A boundary without enforcement is just a suggestion.

If you say, "I don't answer work emails after 7 PM," and then you answer emails at 9 PM, you've taught people that your boundary is flexible.

How to enforce boundaries:

Repeat the boundary calmly: Them: "Come on, just this once!" You: "I understand you're disappointed. My answer is still no."

Follow through with consequences: If you said you won't engage in conversations that involve yelling, and someone yells at you, you leave the conversation. Every time.

Don't negotiate non-negotiable boundaries: Some boundaries are firm. You don't need to explain or debate them.

Be consistent: Boundaries work when they're predictable. Inconsistency confuses people and undermines your credibility.

What to Do When People Push Back

Not everyone will like your boundaries. Some people will push back, guilt-trip you, or try to negotiate.

Common boundary violations and responses:

"You're being selfish." Response: "I understand you're disappointed. This is what works for me."

"You never used to be like this." Response: "I'm learning to prioritize my wellbeing. I hope you can support that."

"But I really need you!" Response: "I hear that this is hard for you. I'm still not able to help this time."

Ignoring your boundary entirely: Response: Enforce the consequence. If you said you'd leave if X happens, leave.

Important: If someone consistently violates your boundaries, disrespects your needs, or makes you feel bad for having limits, that's a red flag about the relationship—not about your boundaries.

Common Boundary Scenarios (and Scripts)

The Friend Who Always Vents But Never Listens

Boundary: "I care about you, but I'm feeling drained by one-sided conversations. Moving forward, I need our hangouts to feel more balanced."

The Family Member Who Gives Unsolicited Advice

Boundary: "I appreciate that you care, but I'm not looking for advice right now. If I need input, I'll ask."

The Coworker Who Dumps Extra Work on You

Boundary: "I can't take on extra projects right now. My plate is full."

The Partner Who Interrupts Your Alone Time

Boundary: "I need alone time to recharge. When I'm in my office with the door closed, please don't interrupt unless it's urgent."

The Person Who Texts Constantly

Boundary: "I'm not able to text throughout the day. I'll check my phone during lunch and after work."

Your Boundary-Setting Action Plan

This week:

• Identify 2-3 areas where you need boundaries (use the reflection questions above)
• Write down exactly what the boundary is (be specific)
• Practice saying the boundary out loud to yourself (yes, really—rehearse it)

This month:

• Communicate one boundary to someone in your life
• Tolerate the discomfort—don't over-explain or apologize
• Enforce the boundary if it's tested
• Notice how you feel after setting the boundary (probably relieved, even if also guilty)

Ongoing:

• Remind yourself that boundaries are not selfish—they're self-care
• Let go of the need for others to understand or approve of your boundaries
• Surround yourself with people who respect your limits
• Celebrate small wins (every boundary you set is progress)

The Bottom Line

Setting boundaries is one of the most loving things you can do—for yourself and for your relationships.

"Boundaries aren't walls meant to keep people out," Dr. Tawwab says. "They're guidelines for how you want to be treated. People who love and respect you will adjust. And you'll have more energy and presence for the relationships that truly matter."

The guilt will lessen. The boundaries will get easier. And you'll wonder why you waited so long to start protecting your peace.

Start small. Start today. You deserve relationships where your needs matter too.