The Apology That Shouldn't Have Happened
I was presenting to a room of 20 people when someone's phone rang loudly. The presenter (me) stopped mid-sentence and said, "Oh, I'm so sorry—let me just pause for a second."
Wait. Why was I apologizing? I didn't forget to silence a phone. But the apology tumbled out automatically, like a reflex I couldn't control.
Later that day, I apologized for:
- Asking a question in a meeting
- Sending a follow-up email
- Not responding to a text within 10 minutes
- Taking up space in a crowded elevator
- Existing, basically
I wasn't sorry for any of it. But I said "sorry" anyway—over and over, diminishing myself one unnecessary apology at a time.
"Chronic over-apologizing is a habit that erodes self-esteem and trains others to take you less seriously," explains Dr. Harriet Braiker, psychologist and author of The Disease to Please. "It signals that you don't believe you deserve to take up space, have needs, or make mistakes."
If you apologize constantly for things that aren't your fault, here's how to stop—and why it matters.
Why We Over-Apologize
Over-apologizing isn't random. It's learned behavior, often rooted in childhood or socialized gender norms.
You Were Taught to Be "Nice" and "Accommodating"
Many people—especially women—are socialized to prioritize others' comfort over their own needs.
"Girls are often praised for being agreeable and penalized for being assertive," Dr. Braiker notes. "Apologizing becomes a way to soften requests, avoid conflict, and make yourself smaller."
Common messages that encourage over-apologizing:
- "Don't make waves."
- "Be nice."
- "Don't be difficult."
- "Think of others' feelings."
You're Afraid of Conflict or Rejection
Apologizing preemptively feels like protection. If you apologize first, maybe people won't be mad at you.
But this backfires. Constant apologies don't prevent conflict—they make you seem less credible and confident.
You Feel Responsible for Everyone's Emotions
If someone is upset, annoyed, or inconvenienced, you assume it's your job to fix it—even when you didn't cause the problem.
"This is classic people-pleasing behavior," explains Dr. Braiker. "You believe that managing others' emotions is your responsibility. It's not."
You Don't Believe You Deserve to Take Up Space
Over-apologizing signals: "I'm sorry I exist. I'm sorry I have needs. I'm sorry I'm taking up your time."
It's self-erasure disguised as politeness.
The Hidden Cost of Over-Apologizing
Saying "sorry" constantly might seem harmless, but it has real consequences.
It Undermines Your Credibility
When you apologize for things that don't warrant an apology, people stop taking you seriously.
Examples:
- "Sorry for bothering you, but could I ask a quick question?" (You're not bothering them. It's their job to answer questions.)
- "Sorry, I'm probably wrong, but I think there might be an error here." (Why are you pre-apologizing for potentially being right?)
These apologies signal: "Don't take me seriously. I don't even take myself seriously."
It Makes You Seem Less Confident
Confidence isn't arrogance—it's knowing you have a right to speak, ask questions, and take up space.
Over-apologizing sends the opposite message: "I'm not sure I should be here. Please don't notice me."
It Teaches People to Disregard Your Needs
If you apologize for having boundaries or needs, people learn that your limits are negotiable.
"I'm sorry, I can't work late tonight." (Why are you apologizing for having plans?)
The apology weakens the boundary. It implies you should be available, and you feel guilty for not being.
It Exhausts You
Constantly monitoring your impact on others and pre-apologizing for existing is exhausting.
You end up spending more energy managing others' potential reactions than advocating for yourself.
What to Say Instead of "Sorry"
Not every "sorry" is bad. Apologize when you've genuinely made a mistake, hurt someone, or need to take accountability.
But for everything else? Here's what to say instead.
When You're Asking a Question
Don't say: "Sorry to bother you, but can I ask a quick question?"
Say instead:
- "Do you have a minute to answer a question?"
- "I have a question about [topic]. When's a good time to discuss it?"
- "Can I get your input on this?"
When You're Stating an Opinion
Don't say: "Sorry, I might be wrong, but I think..."
Say instead:
- "I think..."
- "In my experience..."
- "Here's another perspective..."
When You're Setting a Boundary
Don't say: "I'm so sorry, but I can't make it."
Say instead:
- "I can't make it, but thanks for thinking of me."
- "That doesn't work for me. How about [alternative]?"
- "I'm not available, but I hope it goes well."
When Someone Else Made a Mistake
Don't say: "Sorry, I think there might be a mistake here."
Say instead:
- "I noticed an error here—can we fix it?"
- "This doesn't look right. Let's double-check."
- "Heads up: there's a typo in this section."
When You Need Help or Clarification
Don't say: "Sorry, I'm confused."
Say instead:
- "Can you clarify [specific thing]?"
- "I'm not clear on this part. Can you explain?"
- "Let me make sure I understand correctly..."
When You're Just Existing in a Space
Don't say: "Sorry!" (when someone bumps into you, or you're walking through a doorway)
Say instead:
- Nothing (seriously, you don't owe an apology for existing in public)
- "Excuse me" (if you actually need to get past someone)
When You're Expressing Gratitude
Don't say: "Sorry for the delay."
Say instead:
- "Thanks for your patience."
- "I appreciate you waiting."
Framing it as gratitude instead of an apology shifts the dynamic. You're acknowledging their effort without diminishing yourself.
How to Break the Over-Apologizing Habit
Step 1: Notice When You Apologize
You can't change a habit you're not aware of.
For one week, track every time you say "sorry." Write it down or make a mental note.
Ask yourself:
- Did I actually do something wrong?
- Am I apologizing for existing, having needs, or taking up space?
- Would I expect someone else to apologize in this situation?
Step 2: Pause Before Apologizing
When "sorry" is about to come out of your mouth, pause for 2 seconds.
Ask: Is this apology necessary?
If not, rephrase.
Step 3: Replace "Sorry" with Gratitude or Direct Communication
Instead of apologizing, try:
- Thank you ("Thanks for waiting" instead of "Sorry I'm late")
- Direct communication ("I have a question" instead of "Sorry to bother you")
- Silence (You don't owe commentary for existing)
Step 4: Apologize When It Actually Matters
When you do need to apologize, make it count.
A good apology includes:
- Acknowledgment of what you did
- Taking responsibility (no "but" or excuses)
- Expressing how you'll do better
Example: "I missed the deadline, and I know that impacted the team. I should have communicated earlier that I was falling behind. Going forward, I'll flag delays sooner so we can adjust the plan."
That's an apology. Not "Sorry for being terrible and ruining everything and taking up space on this planet."
Step 5: Get Comfortable with Other People's Discomfort
This is the hardest part.
Someone might be annoyed. Someone might be inconvenienced. Someone might not like your boundary.
You don't have to apologize for that.
Their feelings are not your responsibility. You're allowed to take up space, have needs, and exist without constant apology.
When You Should Apologize
Let's be clear: Apologies are important and powerful when used correctly.
Apologize when:
- You made a genuine mistake
- You hurt someone (intentionally or not)
- You broke a commitment
- You were wrong and need to take accountability
- You violated someone's boundaries
Don't apologize when:
- You're asking a question
- You're expressing an opinion
- You're setting a boundary
- Someone else is inconvenienced by circumstances beyond your control
- You're simply existing in a space
Your Stop Over-Apologizing Action Plan
This week:
- Track how many times you say "sorry" for 3 days
- Identify your top 3 unnecessary apology triggers
- Practice pausing before apologizing (even 2 seconds helps)
This month:
- Replace 5 unnecessary apologies with direct communication or gratitude
- Set one boundary without apologizing
- Notice how it feels to take up space without over-explaining
Ongoing:
- Remind yourself: "I don't need permission to exist."
- Apologize when it matters, unapologetically exist the rest of the time
- Celebrate moments when you advocate for yourself without apologizing
- Practice self-compassion (breaking this habit takes time)
The Bottom Line
You don't owe the world an apology for existing.
You're allowed to ask questions. You're allowed to have needs. You're allowed to set boundaries. You're allowed to take up space.
"When you stop over-apologizing, you reclaim your voice," Dr. Braiker says. "You teach people that your words and needs matter. And you teach yourself the same thing."
Stop shrinking. Stop apologizing for being human.
Start speaking with the confidence you deserve.
